Roger Simon: Who will run in 2016? Ask Dr. Politics!
Ask Dr. Politics! You are fair, and we are unbalanced!
Dear Dr. Politics: Will Hillary Clinton run for President in 2016?
Answer: Yes. And not because of her enormous lead for the Democratic nomination in the early polls. And not because of her huge fundraising potential, her political skills or her grasp of the issues.
Dr. Politics knows she is running for President because she already is doing something she almost never did in 2008: She is telling jokes.
When she ran last time, The Wall Street Journal said she "has to prove she has normal human warmth." Slate said, "Clinton can be easily portrayed as cold, calculating, and ruthless, and that's not a problem that can be easily fixed."
But this time, the problem is being fixed. She sent out a tweet Sunday during the Super Bowl, saying, "It's so much more fun to watch FOX when it's someone else being blitzed & sacked!"
Some in the media were so taken aback by Clinton's being humorous that they didn't get it. USA Today took her seriously in its first story and then had to run this advisory: "An earlier version of this report should have made clear that the former secretary of State was joking when referencing Fox."
The paper went on: "At first glance it was unclear as to the intention of Clinton's tweet. But, Clinton's press secretary Nick Merrill clarified in an e-mail that it was indeed a joke. 'It was good-natured, light-hearted, and self-deprecating,' Merrill said."
And you could see her campaign aides checking the boxes on their list: Good-natured? Yes! Lighthearted? Absolutely! Self-deprecating? You bet!
When she ran for President before, she failed to show the lighter side of her nature. But this time, she is going for the big yuks early.
We will know this for sure when she comes out on a campaign stage and says, "Take my husband - please!"
Dear Dr. Politics: Rumors keep circulating that Mitt Romney is considering another run for the presidency. A new documentary has humanized him. A new poll shows he is leading the Republican pack in New Hampshire. And one website says that a lot of Republican donors are saying, "I think we need Mitt back." Is this for real?
Answer: I think 47 percent of former Republican contenders will run again in 2016. They are dependent upon government. They believe they are victims. They believe that the government has a responsibility to care for them and that they are entitled to health care, to food, to the White House, to you-name-it. Our job is to not worry about them.
Dear Dr. Politics: Weren't you outraged when Rep. Michael Grimm, R-N.Y., recently threatened to throw a reporter off a balcony and break him in half "like a boy?"
Answer: No. Grimm is not a real tough guy. You know the first thing a real tough guy does when he's going to throw you off a balcony? He throws you off a balcony.
You know the first thing a real tough guy does when he is going to break you in half like a boy? He breaks you in half like a boy.
I tell all beginning reporters the same thing: "Stand up to tough guys. Most of them are big sissies. And if they break both your legs, then you can come running to me."
Dear Dr. Politics: Is New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie washed up? And I'd like a serious answer, please.
Answer: When Chris Christie goes through a buffet, they have to put down speed bumps.
If Chris Christie ran for the nomination, his bellybutton would get there 30 minutes before him.
Chris Christie doesn't just show up on the political radar; he shows up on real radar.
And don't worry about his being convicted of anything. He didn't say, "Close the bridge!" He said, "Close the fridge!"
Thank you. I'll be here all week. Try the veal.
Roger Simon is Politico's chief political columnist.